A Thank You Letter to My First Classroom: Seeing the miracles in all the mess

Five months doesn't seem like a long time, but change is naturally intertwined within that duration.

We feel the coolness of a winter's wind shift to a warm, sun kissed glowing day.
We see bare trees become once again adorned with fresh, new leaves.
We celebrate the highs.
We wrap our minds around the lows.

The past five months have been jam packed with fifty-shades of change, and if you know me well, I am not always a fan of change.

I like consistency. I like knowing what is going to happen next. I like being in control.

The past five months have pushed me from the drivers seat and I had to strap myself in and hold on for dear life.

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I (finally) graduated college and began my first teaching job. I was filled to the brim with excitement and passion for my new career. I wish I could say that my first year teaching was filled with nothing but bliss, but I can't.

The past five months taught me that not everything is meant to be rainbows and butterflies.

My first year teaching brought out insecurities I didn't know were present within me. I felt alone, exhausted, and incapable. I questioned my abilities and developed anxiety that crippled my every move.

The past five months taught me that honest struggles are not meant to hurt me, but instead are meant to heal me.

Lysa TerKeurst's book "Uninvited" puts to words what the past five months have taught me: Don't get so consumed and focused on the mess that you miss the miracle.

My feelings of abandonment, my insecurities about my abilities as a teacher, my attempts at perfection that left me crippled with anxiety; these things became my mess. I was consumed by my mess to the point where it became difficult to see the miracles all around me.

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I became good friends with one of the custodians at school. We passed each other every morning as I walked to my classroom to get ready for the day. This one particular day, I was consumed by all my mess. This day I felt physically sick from all my mess. On this day, we said our usual "hellos" and "good mornings" to each other, but he continued with something I will never be able to shake from my memory. His exact words still ring in my head:

"I don't know why the Lord has put it on my heart to tell you this... but know that you are doing a good job. Don't let things bring you down. You matter and you are doing a great job here."

When I got to my room, I felt the mess that was weighing on me so heavily began to be lifted. Without a doubt, I believe that sweet sentiment he told me was a miracle in all my mess.

The past five months taught me that I had support in all my mess the whole time. The support of my friends, my family, and my coworkers was a miracle in all my mess.

The past five months, though filled with lots of mess, presented many miracles.

So this is a thank you letter to my first classroom. They always say your first classroom holds a sweet, tender place in your heart forever, and now I know that that is oh so true.

Thank you for challenging me more so than I've ever been challenged. 

I walked into a school where I didn't know a single person. I am thankful for this sense of loneliness because it allowed me to make an honest name for myself. Being able to have a fresh, clean pallet was the miracle in my mess of loneliness.

Thank you for putting me outside of my comfort zone. 

Loneliness is not at all comfortable, but how often do we experience true growth when we are in our comfort zone? Very rarely. Being placed outside my area of comfort and growing as an individual and teacher is the miracle in my mess of discomfort.

Thank you for fostering new friendships. 

I call my students my friends. I believe when students feel loved and supported, they are more receptive to learning. Being in a new place where I didn't know anyone was a lonely situation but the miracle in the mess is the friendships I developed with my coworkers such as the custodian.

Thank you for giving me a space to create. 

My room was a blank canvas that I had a very short time to transform into a place that could be a comfort for my students. My need to be in control shifted into a mess. I became overwhelmed and felt that I wasn't providing the nicest or coolest or most Instagram-worthy classroom for my students. The need to be perfect became my mess. Being able to look past the unobtainable perfection and create a functional classroom became my miracle.

Thank you for being a home to my students. 

My students learned how to get along with others in my room. My students learned how to rejoice in others' success in my room. My students learned how to make sense of their feelings in my room. My students learned basic skills in my room. While all those things are important and valuable, I think the most important thing is that my students felt valued, heard, and loved in my room. Everyday struggles became my mess but witnessing the growth of my students in various facets of their life became the miracle in that mess.

 

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Sharing my experiences the past five months has presented makes me feel very vulnerable. I am the type of person who wants constant control and who doesn't want others to see me not put together. But the past five months, though it has had its fair share of mess, has been a miracle in my life. I am sharing it with you so that those who are beginning their first year of teaching, or even those who are seasoned teachers, can rest assured that there is a miracle in what seems like a mess, that it is okay to feel overwhelmed, and that you are not alone in those messy feelings. I am so thankful for all the mess. Without the mess, our miracles would lose its value. The mess of the past five months has made me a better teacher. Just like I celebrate all my students' successes, I think it is important to also celebrate ours as educators. So this is me celebrating the past five months, mess and all, and looking forward to my years to come as a teacher.

I absolutely LOVE the reading area in my classroom! This area was home for my students to snuggle up with a good book! 

 

Some of my friends/students on one of the last days of school! I love each of their personalities and individuality!